Evolutions: AKA the Scariest Thing in the World—Change

There are days when I wonder if I am the only person who finds change terrifying.

Let's start at the beginning  This past week I received a text from my mother, at 7 am, asking me to call her ASAP because she wanted to "consult" me on something important. My mom does not ask my opinion on anything. I rarely get texts from her unless it has to do with a family gathering and what food I'm bringing. So for her to tell me to call her ASAP, sent up red flags.

When I did call her after my morning bus run, it was not what I expected. She asked if I would be interested taking an administrative assistant job in her office. Her company was expanding and they needed some one with many of the skills I possess from previous jobs. Full time, with benefits, and salary almost twice what I'm currently making.

The cons? I have to drive to another state for work, and there will be a good amount of driving around said state throughout the week. But it's not like I don't currently drive for a living, right? I'd be away from home at least one night a week, and there are some evening hours.

But with this job my husband and I have a much better chance of owning a home, and being able to start a family. Which we've been struggling to do. And we would move closer to most of our parents (which my mom has been trying to get us to do).

I know it will increase our overall happiness greatly.

But I can't help the terror gripping me at the idea of changing jobs. There was a time in my life where I couldn't seem to stay in one job for more than a year. But I've been in my current position four years. I love my job. I love the kids in my district, I love my co-workers, I love my dress code, and I LOVE my bosses. I know that this change is what is best for my husband and I if we want to start a family. But I am going to miss my current job. The people, as well as the freedom it provided me during the day. Freedom to run errands, make dinner, work on creative projects.

What if I can't handle working full time? What if I don't get to see my husband enough? What if I get pregnant and can't get time off, how will I be able to take care of my children when I have them (this is not the sort of job where I can bring my child to work). What if the work is soul-crushing? How can I tell my mother that if I need to leave?

I don't consider myself an overly anxious person, but employment has always been a source of anxiety for me. I know many of my fears are irrational. Whose to say I won't love the job? Or that I'll even have kids? My mom was so career focused my whole life, I fear I will never live up to that ambition—partially because I just don't have it. I don't have the same drive my mother does. I would be much more content to be a stay at home mom, maybe working part-time. I would love to home-school my children and spend my days educating them and being a homemaker. Because I just don't think I could do everything my mom did. Working 2, sometimes 3 jobs, while still making dinner every night.

My early failures in the professional field (I can blame the economy all I want, but in the end it was me who didn't get hired, I wasn't good enough) have given me a bleak view of my own worth. I know I am a good worker, but I understand my limitations. And I'm ok with them. We're always telling everyone that they have to "break their limitations!"

Well, I'm comfortable with mine. I will never be an athlete, or an actress, or a singer. Not everyone can be great. Most of us are just average. Even my passions, writing, clay crafts, roleplaying, I know the odds say I will never be great. I don't want to be great. Because wanting to be great leaves very far to fall when you fail. Being average, being ok, is safe.

Staying in the same job, is safe.

Change is not safe.

Yet, I said yes. Because I want a better life. I'm tired of living the way I am. Scraping and praying and crying. About bills, about debt, about this unobtainable future. I'm tired of taking two steps back when I try to move forward.

It's time to live. And as we all know, Life is Change. It's adapting. So here I am, evolving.

Cutting the Cord: Why I got rid of Cable

We'd been talking about it for over a year. Getting rid of the Beast: Cable. I'd read all the articles and blogs about how much money people saved, what they subscribed to instead, how they got digital antennas and still got all their local channels. But it's scary, unfamiliar territory.

Like many of you out there, I felt trapped. The Demon (AKA Comcast) constantly raising our prices, while cutting the channels we received. And they never cut the channels we don't watch. No. It must always be something we love.

First they took ScyFy and TNT. Then they took Travel, TLC, and Cartoon Network.

Whenever we would call to report a problem or downgrade our service (because I'm sorry, I only have one soul, and you cannot have it!) we were met with the same listless bullshit.

"Would you like to upgrade to triple play?"
"No, I want to downgrade, I can't afford our current package."

"Do you watch sports?"
"No, I hate sports."
"Do you have a home phone?"
"No, I have a cell phone."
"We've determined the best package for you is our Triple Play with home phone! If you sign up today, not only is installation free, you'll get every NFL sports channel just in time for football season!"
"Um... did you even listen to me?"


It is depressing, we all know it. Finally my husband and I were so fed up with our bill continuing to escalate for the same mediocre service. I didn't even want to look at the remote, let alone turn on the cable box. This August I went the entire month without watching cable. I just watched netflix. I didn't even realize it until September came around.

That was when I made my mind up. 
My husband called that week (because despite our being married, I cannot call them, because I have no power there) and canceled the cable. We kept our same internet (although that router is next to go!) and haven't looked back.

And honestly, it's true what they say. You don't miss it. We didn't get all the crazy subscriptions, or digital antenna. We just kept our Netflix. And I love it. No commercials, no flipping through channels, no "I can't find anything to watch". Freedom.

 In fact, I haven't felt this free since I was a kid and we only had 6 channels (two of them only on clear days).

I find myself doing more. More crafting, more reading, more writing. All of the things I couldn't find time for before. It's a liberating transformation.

So do it, cut the cord. Take the chance and don't let them bully you. Take back your money, take back control of what you watch, but most of all—TAKE BACK YOUR TIME!

Writing Challenge: Third Entry/ Dinosaurs

Hello Alice,

I know I have been scarce these last few weeks, but I promise I have had an excuse. I was busy losing my mind getting married.

Having once again returned to a semblance of my saner self (if you can call me sane) I'm determined to pick up with my writing challenge and hopefully finish it by the end of summer. I decided not to take any runs this summer, so I can recharge a little and get back into the things that feed my soul (rather than my wallet). I've got some new ideas for my etsy store—the shelves are looking a little bare as of late— it's called EclipsedCrafts if any of you are interested. I want to catch up on posting some recipes to my cooking blog, The Zombie Cook, and I want to read some books, and most importantly and most desperately, I want need to get back to my writing.

It is like there has been a hole in me these past few months. I've tried to do a little editing here and there, but not nearly as much as my characters demand (am I the only writer who feels like their characters get angry when neglected?)

So, my first step back in.

Review A Movie/Book/Anything
This past weekend an event happened that I had been looking forward to for months.

No, I am not talking about my wedding—which happened the Saturday before— I am speaking of seeing the premiere of the film Jurassic World with friends.

Since the very first trailer, I have been anxiously awaiting this film. For those of you who do not know me, allow me to explain. There are two subjects/creatures in this world that I am obsessed with beyond all else. One of them—as you may have been able to tell by now—is zombies.

But before there were zombies, there were Dinosaurs.

My entire life I have had nothing but nightmares. It caused for a difficult childhood. The only time I wake up thinking I had an awesome dream (even though it was still scary) are the times my dreams involve Zombies or Dinosaurs. It doesn't matter how many times I get chased by a T-Rex, he never catches me and so I love him.

I never had a dinosaur dream until my mom brought home Jurassic Park on VHS for Christmas. She had seen it in the theater months earlier and thought (even though it was PG-13 and I was only 8 and my brother was 6) that it was alright for us to watch. My brother and I LOVED it. Even though I was too scared to watch Muldoon get eaten by the Raptors (for years I would walk out of the room and wait for my brother to tell me it was safe).

I've been obsessed with dinosaurs ever since. If I hadn't decided to dedicate my life to books and writing (and if science degrees didn't involve so much damn math) I would have studied dinosaurs.

It may be surprising then, that I had not read Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton until the past year. I think as a kid I was concerned because my mom had said it was "heavily scientific". Having read it now, I think I would have managed (hell I read college-level psychological thrillers in fourth grade). But needless to say, I loved the book. And I feel reading it after seeing the first 3 movies gave me a new appreciation for the films (yes, even JP3). There was so much in that book that wasn't able to be covered in the movie. So many scenes and images that were so awesome. Like the T-Rex licking someone through the waterfall (shown in Lost World) or the Pterosaur aviary (shown in JP3).

In each of the three movies there is a little of that first book.

The same goes for Jurassic World. The filmmakers did a wonderful job of incorporating scenes from the book, while giving a courteous nod to the original film. The plot is reminiscent in a honorable way, bringing enough new to keep audiences interested without messing with tradition.

As an added bonus, for those who might notice/care about such things, they kept with the continuity of not only the films, but video games as well.  From the original actor, BD Wong, playing Dr. Henry Wu, to scars on the T-Rex from her fight with the raptors in the first film (implying that the new park handlers had to re-capture her!). The Mosasaur may seem a little out of the blue for many, but for those who played the Telltale Jurassic Park Game (which I highly recommend for those—like me—who have been kept awake at night by the question "What happened to Nedry's Barbasol can of embryos?!") it is yet another cameo of a dinosaur from the original park.  In the game the Mosasaur was big enough to be scary, in the movie she's HUGE! Showing her growth over those 20+ years.

The human (girl approx 5.5") in this picture is approximately the same ratio of size

To the Great White (avg between 13-16ft) in this picture. That implies the Mosasaur has doubled in size!

Continuity is not something that always crosses the minds of movie-makers, so it shows the loving hand used when making this film.

As for the action? It's a Jurassic Park movie, come on! The beauty of the point Dr. Wu makes about this new hybrid dinosaur ("You wanted it bigger, scarier, more teeth") is that that was what they tried to do in JP3 with the Spinosaur— don't even get me started on the issues with that concept They ate FISH! There, I'm done, I promise—and what ultimately brought the franchise down. The Indominus Rex, as they call it—and make fun of it—in the film is just what it was trying to do with Spinosaur, only better (partially because Indominus is smart and that makes it SCARY!)

Some may think:
"But aren't they just doing the same thing, only with a fake dinosaur?"

The answer is yes, and no. Yes, they introduced a new dinosaur which is bigger, scarier, and has more teeth than the T-Rex. But the way they deal with it in this film is much more honest. They genetically created this animal, manipulated every fiber of its DNA. Which was one of the points in the book which the movies were never really able to bring up. Dr. Wu finally tells it here. None of the dinosaurs in the park are true clones. None of them are accurate. They were all altered, by adding genes where ones were incomplete or, as in the book, manipulating growth rates. This was a HUGE point in the book. Not just the idea of bringing back extinct creatures, but the DNA manipulation required to do it. It was a Pandora's box concept, and admittedly would have been too much in the first movie. But by bringing it up now, when everyone understands the basics of DNA, and real world de-extinction is on the horizon (Woolly Mammoths anyone?) it is the manipulation of such DNA that we need to be thinking about.

So all in all, Jurassic World is an awesome movie, for both the intellectual who would dissect its every meaning (like me) and the casual movie-goer who wants to see some great special effects, cool dinosaurs, jump-scares and thrilling action, or Chris Pratt leading Raptors into battle! (also me)

Writing Challenge: Second Entry

Hello Alice,

So I've been sick for the past three days, which is unusual for me. I'm not exaggerating when I say my immune system is pretty hardcore (I do work around kids, so it's tested regularly) but this week has been hard. Been stuck at home, fevered, coughing, unable to keep food down, breathe or sleep. Doctor says I have a bad upper respiratory infection. They prescribed me an inhaler and some antibiotics.  Here's hoping it works so I can get back to work.

So here's my poem.

A Short Poem

Fever, fever, go away
Let me work so I can get paid.

Writing Challenge: Day One

So I found an image floating around facebook and decided to accept its challenge. No specific parameters were set beyond those written as a list in the image. No timeline, no word count, no instruction.

Loose. My kind of challenge.

So I've dedicated myself. One list item per day. I'm not worrying over word counts or quality. This is really just to get me back into the habit of writing. Forcing myself back into the deep end after too long without swimming.

It already feels good.

Day One Goal: Write a short autobiography.

Result:

Day 1: A Short Autobiography

I, much like every other human, do not recall the day I was born—or days as it is in my case. I have heard the story every year on my birthday; how my mother labored for four days to bring me into this world. She uses the event as the first evidence of my stubborn personality. I find it rather apt.

My childhood was not always a happy one. There are dark corners and shadowed monsters which I do not like to remember. From a very young age I was plagued by night terrors brought on by past traumas. 

My family was not a happy one. Broken apart and pasted back together until we accepted the cracks. I do not mean to say my childhood was unhappy, just that happy is not a word to describe it. Loved, yes. Protected, yes. Good, yes. But not the golden-edged glow implied by “happy”. Happy has no secrets, no shadows. I have many.

 My mother worked hard to provide and protect us. She always put her children before everything. Sometimes she forgot that we were not as tough as she was. My father worked hard too. He worked to make us happy, to spoil us however he could. Sometimes he forgot that we'd rather see him at our school plays and concerts than have all the toys at Christmas.

But as we grow we learn. We learn to be strong, to hide our sensitivity, to bare the weight. We learn that our parents are not perfect. Our child eyes become infected by the demon shards of adulthood: revealing the flaws in our heroes, and virtues in our villains. 

 

We grow, and we learn how good those childhood days were. When problems were black and white, when our parents worked to keep us happy. And that's all we can hope to live up to. To do it a little better, a little wiser. Learning from the generations past. Trying desperately to end a legacy of abuse. Trying to maintain familial bonds. Trying to be like our parents, without becoming them. 

 

Revival

I have decided that this little blog—first started as a requirement project for my English 101 class—deserves to be brought back to life. As a Zombie enthusiast I believe all good things deserve a second chance to become great. So consider this a resurrection.

My life has changed greatly since my last posting herein, and the things which I wish to bring forth have no place on my other more "active" blogs (If you can consider every few weeks active). My current self needs a space to express my thoughts, practice my art, and to submit a little writing to those who might want to read it.

And so here I am, trying to do what they told me in school. Take charge. Don't worry about the content or the audience. Just write. Write something. Write anything.

I'm not promising any of what follows or precedes is any good. Just that it is a raw indication of myself. Un-edited—ok, maybe a little edited—un-censored, Amber.

So, if you care to dare to, follow me down the rabbit hole, and I'll call you Alice.