When I did call her after my morning bus run, it was not what I expected. She asked if I would be interested taking an administrative assistant job in her office. Her company was expanding and they needed some one with many of the skills I possess from previous jobs. Full time, with benefits, and salary almost twice what I'm currently making.
The cons? I have to drive to another state for work, and there will be a good amount of driving around said state throughout the week. But it's not like I don't currently drive for a living, right? I'd be away from home at least one night a week, and there are some evening hours.
But with this job my husband and I have a much better chance of owning a home, and being able to start a family. Which we've been struggling to do. And we would move closer to most of our parents (which my mom has been trying to get us to do).
I know it will increase our overall happiness greatly.
But I can't help the terror gripping me at the idea of changing jobs. There was a time in my life where I couldn't seem to stay in one job for more than a year. But I've been in my current position four years. I love my job. I love the kids in my district, I love my co-workers, I love my dress code, and I LOVE my bosses. I know that this change is what is best for my husband and I if we want to start a family. But I am going to miss my current job. The people, as well as the freedom it provided me during the day. Freedom to run errands, make dinner, work on creative projects.
What if I can't handle working full time? What if I don't get to see my husband enough? What if I get pregnant and can't get time off, how will I be able to take care of my children when I have them (this is not the sort of job where I can bring my child to work). What if the work is soul-crushing? How can I tell my mother that if I need to leave?
I don't consider myself an overly anxious person, but employment has always been a source of anxiety for me. I know many of my fears are irrational. Whose to say I won't love the job? Or that I'll even have kids? My mom was so career focused my whole life, I fear I will never live up to that ambition—partially because I just don't have it. I don't have the same drive my mother does. I would be much more content to be a stay at home mom, maybe working part-time. I would love to home-school my children and spend my days educating them and being a homemaker. Because I just don't think I could do everything my mom did. Working 2, sometimes 3 jobs, while still making dinner every night.
My early failures in the professional field (I can blame the economy all I want, but in the end it was me who didn't get hired, I wasn't good enough) have given me a bleak view of my own worth. I know I am a good worker, but I understand my limitations. And I'm ok with them. We're always telling everyone that they have to "break their limitations!"
Well, I'm comfortable with mine. I will never be an athlete, or an actress, or a singer. Not everyone can be great. Most of us are just average. Even my passions, writing, clay crafts, roleplaying, I know the odds say I will never be great. I don't want to be great. Because wanting to be great leaves very far to fall when you fail. Being average, being ok, is safe.
Staying in the same job, is safe.
Change is not safe.
Yet, I said yes. Because I want a better life. I'm tired of living the way I am. Scraping and praying and crying. About bills, about debt, about this unobtainable future. I'm tired of taking two steps back when I try to move forward.
It's time to live. And as we all know, Life is Change. It's adapting. So here I am, evolving.
