Guilt

I find myself in the center of a personal moral debate. I currently work for my Aunt and Uncle at their landscaping company as a receptionist. Granted this is not my dream job. There are some benefits like getting to work with my family, a loose dress-code, and a rather relaxed office atmosphere. However there are problems as well. The job is in New Jersey, which means I'm stuck driving approximately 1 1/2 hours each way everyday. There is also a $5 bridge toll for me to get home everyday, plus the gas, and the fact that everything is closed by the time I get home so I cannot get my errands done (like going to the bank).

I still cannot afford health insurance, which was one of the major draws to this position in the first place. Most of my income goes back into getting to work in the first place. This all has been weighing on my mind pretty heavily in the past weeks. However this is not the cause for my moral dilemma. Back in February the other receptionist/secretary, Lois, had to go out on medical leave for an operation she needed in her leg. The operation has since been successful, and though walking with a cane, she is able to move around and would be able to come back to work.

The management, however, cannot afford to bring her back to work. They have been forced to make budget cuts and decided that, because I can handle both Lois' job and my own, she does not need to come back. She came into our office today, crying because she needs her job. She has been with this company for 20 years, she loves her job. She has mortgage payments she needs to make, in addition to her medical bills.

So I find myself, wracked with guilt and self-loathing because I have taken her job, a job I don't even want. What is one to do? I cannot just quit, I have bills to pay as well, and an upcoming trip to Baltimore MD for Otakon which requires money. I have put out applications to other jobs, but none have responded as of yet. I hope they do, so I can give this job back to it's rightful owner.

Steep Decline

It has been awhile since I have written anything here, especially anything of value. Perhaps it’s because my life is comfortable right now, despite the lack of employment. Maybe it’s because I have a wonderful relationship. Or maybe its because I’ve been in this place recently where I feel useless and worthless. I’ve gained about 15 pounds, which is making me self conscious, I have no job, and no one seems to want to employ me. I sit around the house all day, I want to motivate myself to do something, but it’s difficult to muster up the energy to do anything. And even if I do, it always feels like it isn’t enough or it isn’t worth anything. I have no sellable skills. I always used to think I was creative, but it seems my creativity is only valuable for my own entertainment.
What happened to me? How did I lose myself in this adult world? I took one step out there and fell through the surface tension. Is my mother right, am I afraid? Part of me believes she might be right, at least in part. But there must be more to it. I always knew what I was going to do in life, now I’m stalling out. I finally got my diploma. I put it somewhere around here. I miss school, I miss classes. I miss feeling intelligent and having engaging conversations with people. I miss the diversity, and having debates with people. My brain is lacking so much stimulation. When dad finally does give me a day of work I’m hungry for it. I want so badly to prove myself to him, to help him. But whenever he puts me on the spot, I seem to freeze up. Everything just leaves me. I know I need to take initiative, but I never know how.
On the bright side all this time home has taught me how to cook, I’ve learned a few basic recipes and I’m figuring out how to mess around with them. But it’s still a small victory overshadowed by a large failure. I know my parents are disappointed in me, and it hurts. I wish I could go back to high school, go back to the leader I was becoming back then. I thought growing up was going to be the best, and now I would give anything to go back to those days at Upattinas, goofing off with friends, hanging out in the halls, reading and writing short stories, and talking with intelligent people on a range of topics.